It’s been a HARD few months. If there was one word J & I could both use to explain it, it would be “challenging”.
Everything…our relationship, our business ventures, major life changes, and the unknown. Moving to New York has been exciting but man, it has taken a toll on us the last few months. The unknown is a terrifying thing, but also a super cool thing. It’s weird how something can be hard, scary, and freaking amazing all at once.
I’ve spent the last month doing a lot of reflecting. Why was our marriage so hard? Why did I respond that way? Why am I going to school again? Why, why, why. I decided to spend more time praying and challenged myself to read a few books, the most influential being “You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero. It has been more helpful than I imagined.
See, I noticed that these past few months have been full of self-doubt and fear and this was flooding into every aspect of my lift (in a negative way). Let’s talk marriage for a second. I came into our marriage thinking it was going to be easy, because I had read an article on HuffPost once telling me it shouldn’t be hard or I was with the wrong person (WRONG, lol…no matter how much you love each other, learning to love the other person in the way they need to be shown love is HARD.) If something is effortless or easy all the time, then there’s no chance for learning and growth. Marriage isn’t always glorious. It’s a choice you make every single day. There were plenty of days where it was easier to avoid each other rather than have a conversation. We were both tired and drained from everything that was going on and would argue like crazy every time we spoke. We were at our lowest and it would have been way easier to walk away. MUCH easier…hence the marriage is hard thing once again, but we chose to love, even when it didn’t look like love.
Around June of this year, I was pretty much at my breaking point and started reaching for ideas or ways to work on myself and our marriage. Insert Ennegram tests, prayer, meditation, and self-help books. Don’t laugh, I am going to school to be a counseling psychologist so I truly believe these things work, you just have to find what works for you. Plus MAN, did these things tell us a lot about our selves. Pretty sure I got some eye rolls when I asked J to take the Ennegram test, but now he’s glad we decided to do it. Takes literally 2 minutes and now we’re both going to read more on our Ennegram results by reading a book called “The Road Back to You” to help us understand each other better <3. (Thanks for the advice sis!) We’ve also started having intentional chats, putting our phone away at dinner and in the evening, and going on nightly walks. We decided to work on being sensitive to each other’s needs during this transition and communicate to the point we are literally spelling out out every word to avoid being misunderstood (because we tend to misunderstand each other often ????). It’s been rough. Every day isn’t perfect and we’re still working on it, but I can’t help feeling a sense of accomplishment, peace, and relief as I’m writing this from our dining room table here in NYC. And I’m smirking because I know if this happens again, we can get through it.
Things I’ve learned and ways I’ve grown. Communication! Ask the other person how they need to be communicated to. Write things down. If you’re mad, take space and come back and talk once you are COMPLETELY cooled down (Hiiii talking to myself because I have a temper). Sometimes, it includes giving space (talking to my hubby right here lol). Never use the words “you always” or “you never” to start a conversation. DO talk about how you feel a.k.a “when you do X it makes me feel Y”.
Love is understanding what the other person needs and is a constant learning process. Love is allowing time for growth and anticipating that “this too shall pass” and something great is waiting on the other side. Now? Me and J are stronger and more intentional and I know #TheBestIsYetToCome.
Some beautiful quotes that I read weekly as a reminder!
“Sunsets are proof that endings can be beautiful.” -Beau Taplin
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” – Peter 4:8
“You are braver than you believe. Stronger than you seem. Smarter than you think & loved more than you know.” -Christopher Robin
“Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.” -Marcia Wallace
“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears”. -Nelson Mandela
PS, I post a lot of these on Pinterest! <3
Location: Antelope Island State Park in Utah
Photography: Kate Anne Photography
Removable Leather Hat Band: Gigi Pip in Tan
Sweater: Free People
Shoes: Treasure & Bond Mule (comfiest ever)
Necklace: Made by Mary